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Day 81: This Post Belongs in the Toilet

Day 81:  This Post Belongs in the Toilet


# of pages revised: 26

# of literary mags submitted to: 3

# of days left to complete 2nd draft: 65

When I was in high school, I had an idea for a TV show. I would be the host, and I’d wear various cute/crazy outfits and go around to zoos and wildlife areas to watch animals pooping. For example, we’d film me standing close (but not too close!) to a pooping animal. I would then give interesting facts about animal poop, such as

-an adult African elephant can produce up to 300 pounds of poop a day

-a bee can go for months without pooping

-penguins can poop at 4 times the pressure that humans can, and their poop can be seen from space.

I would also interview animal specialists, asking them specifically about poop, and we’d probably show the animals pooping in slo-mo several times, perhaps set to music. I figured it would be a good show for MTV. In fact, I still think people would watch this. If any TV executives are out there reading this, the answer is yes, I’m still available to host.

Here is a helpful diagram of a penguin pooping.

Today is Nikki’s birthday, so Nate took her on a little get-away to Nantucket, which means I’m in charge of their dog, Zeus. Zeussical (my nickname for him) didn’t poop on his morning walk, and it always makes me nervous when he doesn’t poop. So this afternoon on our walk, I kept asking him gently, “Zeus? Do you have to poop? What about right there? That seems like a good place to poop. Don’t you think?”

Finally, he did his business, and I was so relieved that I gave him a treat.

*   *  *
I have approximately a million jobs here on the Cape: trivia host, wine promoter, Skype tutor for Ukranians, book reviewer, etc. Today I started yet another job: middle school math curriculum writer. For my first assignment, I came up with a project in which kids have to create a chicken drop pen.

What’s a chicken drop, you ask? Well, what you do is you pen off an area in your backyard, then you divide it into equal-sized, numbered squares. You sell each of these squares for a dollar, or five dollars a piece. When all the squares are sold, you put a chicken in the pen. Whoever bought the square where the chicken poops first wins all the money.

I was pretty pleased with myself. If there’s one thing that will get a middle school boy’s attention in math class, it’s the teacher talking about poop. I wrote up the project details and sent it to my boss. He liked it. “Excellent job,” he said. “Poop, huh?”

You bet.

For some reason the people at this chicken drop don’t seem very excited.

So apparently today is all about poop. Perhaps because I feel like poop. I have a cold, and I thought I was getting better, but I was wrong. Runny nose, sore throat, headache, blah-blah. I have not felt much like doing anything. And, as per usual, my lack of production worries me. “Don’t you want to do some writing, Eva?” I asked myself gently all day. “What about now? This seems like a good time to poop out some thoughts, don’t you think?.”

But no. My nose is stuffed up, and so is my brain. Nothing is coming out today.



About evalangston

Eva Langston is a writer, among other things.

2 responses »

  1. Pingback: Toilets, Commas, & Random Ridiculousness | In the Garden of Eva

  2. Pingback: I’ve Been Reprimanded…Again, or, Why Your Writing Won’t Please Everyone | In the Garden of Eva

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